Rent Of The Soul

Here's the thing that got me really jealous this week.

There's a bit of lore before you can fully understand this, and I ain't gonna write it now. maybe in introduction post I'll pin later.

'nyway, so Maya was back from two months at google. And I have peaced with this in my mind. the past is in the past, and I just play on from here. But, alas, there was another treat to be rewarded for someone. What they call now POC, and I'm not gonna expand on this now. It's a treat. A month long working in a different place (way higher level) doing new things, having fun. Now, there was no good reason Maya will go for this one too. But she did.

Here's one of the things that I didn't like about her behavior in this situation:

As the event was unfolding, and it was clear that Maya's gonna get it, I told in a cynical tone that “the spoiled get spoiler” (on the base of rich get richer” to her and a friend, and all she responded with was with a shrug, the kind of “i don't wanna comment on this”, and when I tried to get her to comment (“you know I'm right, don't you?”) she avoided it and like, idk.

Now, here's what I thought: the question of why Maya and not me is really hanging and big (shared friend explicitly asked why I'm not coming), and I thought that my feelings here would be seen.

I expected Maya to at least acknowledge them, and maybe say something comforting to me, knowing that she just got something that could have been mine, in an unfair manner. or at least show a gesture to imply this.

None of that happened, and it left me more angry and disappointed, and honestly I had such a storm of feelings I wasn't even sure what I'm feeling – only that it was negative and strong.

In my experience of life, I know that I hate it when people try to guess what I'm feeling or thinking, because most of the time they get it wrong, and it could have been avoided with just some simple and honest communication. It happened a lot with my ex-girlfriend, and it was unpleasant when it happened.

My expectations were unfair, based on my own standards that I just detailed. Even though I thought that my side of the story, and what I might feel is as clear as a rain drop, I shouldn't have trusted this, and if I wanted anything to be done in the matter, I should've communicated it to her, honestly and respectfully.

If this subject will be brought up between us, I'll try to communicate what I felt that day. I think it'll make it all better – my own feelings, and what I'm feeling towards her. It will also make a good opportunity to get our conversations from small-talk like there's no tomorrow, to something more deep and honest. I hope she'll go with this too and it'll go well.

What helped a little with all my feelings

That evening, I unloaded to a friend. Stayed up until like 00:44 talking to them, and part of that time I shared what happened. I did that in the more “ugh this happened and now I'm angry!” vibe, and less in the “this and this happened, and it makes me feel like this”, which in retrospect is how I'd prefer to do it, but alright. Next day, shared with another friend, and he said “Yeah, it's not nice”, and that's all I needed to hear.

alrighty, that's all for now.