Half written, posted because I already wrote it: Order in my thoughts about Y.

To do this, I think I'll start by writing how we first met, and how things rolled from there on.

How it all begin

Okay, when I title it like this it's like I'm telling the story of how I met my 40 years long wife. It's just a crush $self, calm down! But still, I'm writing it to myself, to do some order in the chaos. it's not even chaos, just my overhtinking- okay stop! just let me write.

a week and a day ago the course started. and is the day we officially met? It was new people, new place, new everything. So I was in a bit of a shock, considering that in the 1.5 years before that I was mostly at home, and only social life I had was with my family. So, I didn't socialize that much. Took me time. Maybe now I'm a bit better at it, but still.

We actually started talking more when YS (he's also Y, but that'd be confusing) dropped from the course. He sat between us. me, to my right YS, and to his right Y. We did exchange some words before that, but not as much. I was friends with YS, and it sucked when he left. He reminded me a lot of my big brother R, which I love a lot. So it brought a sense of familarity to this foreign everything.

Around 2 months into the course (and 1 day. Just did invastigation via whatsapp messages.) he was dropped. He saw it a long time coming, and all the while I tried (and he asked) helping him with the material. but, it didn't help.

Probably the same week, like a few days later, she slid me note during a class. It was nice. I don't remember what it was about, but from that day on to the last day of the course we didn't stop sliding notes to each other during classes, lectures, and other dead-boring shit.

From that point on we hang together a lott more. in breaks, in dining room (when I was successful to convince her to come), in classes working together. Like, since being friends with her, I listened to 60% less music in self-work classes because we worked together. or just talked. tho we did send music a lot to each other.

In addition, we went for 'stars'. She said there's somewhere behind the dorms a place where you can see the stars real good because it's dark. It wasn't dark once since that day to the end of the course. it was always lighted. she said when she was there it was. (now I wanna believe she made it up just to make me come, tho there's not really a reason for this)

This turn have really uplifted my spirit during the course. I no longer felt lonely (which I did very much until this point). I had a friend, and a really good one! and not like “mm I am part of this group, I hope, if they notice me” but really a friend. I hadn't had something like that in a long time, regardless of the course. A friend that sees just me. not a part of a group where you might be invisible. My mom has told me about how when returning from the course I was so happy and energetic (as compared to now). and I believe a big part of it is thanks to Y. Really.

Many (?) people thought we were dating. In the unit, S really was sure we were dating. and by someone else she was referenced as “the girl you were with all the time”. which is accurate. at some point we were together allll the time. and I am not complaining -at-all.

So, where was I. Right, stars. After not long, we went there every single day. We stayed the extra hour to study, then walked together to dorms, and then sat in the stars until it was 23 and we were forced to return and go to sleep.

Mostly, she'd talk. She isn't the kind of person that speaks and mutes everyone else around. She speaks, but if I had something to say I'd be able to say it. I'm just not a very talkative type of person. She's more talkative, but not in the controlling way, if you know what I mean. Which is nice. there's no expectation of me (how I feel it) to fill the silence. but I also have my space if I do wanna say something.

After some time in stars, it wasn't just talking.

There was also silencing. And not an awkward kind of silence, like I sometimes have with M if it's just the two of us. The kind of silence that makes me just be in the moment. And want it to be never over. Not silence because we were in our phones. I'd even nudge her to put her phone away, even if we weren't talking. Kind of silence where I just felt, [three days grace, hold a moment. I'm being positive atm] I don't find the right words. I felt good, I felt warm and not because of the weather. I felt safe. I felt calm. Really calm. There were plenty of things bothering me at these days but I just felt calm. and relaxed. I really was in the moment itself. Worrying about nothing, Thinking about nothing deeper than “she looks cute” or “let's poke her nose” or “our hands are touching”. [ahahaha I just had crushcrushcrush played and there's a line goes “Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone” ahsahssjdhfdfh ok back to it] It was just nice, calm, relaxed, silence.

There was also playing. ye, just meaningless, teasy-flirty playing. This one's an interesting. It started (I think? at least moment I remember well) with me taking a thorn from the wooden table, and gently touching her hand with it. stroking, or stinging, hurting, or teasing. While she was talking, or while we were silencing. And then she did to me. it was nice. It, like, now we had something to do with our hands. Is it weird? like, idk. it made everything more peaceful. idk. idk. can't elaborate on it. I just have references to very basic/pure feelings, which I can't express with words now. We started touching too. It'll sound like I make big deal of it. It was something for me, because I was (officially but no practically?) keeping touch. and while I didn't always hard myself on it, it did make any kind of touch more rare for me. so, it was something. It's hard for me to know how these things mattered to her. Even with boys when I somehow get to hug someone a hello/goodbye, it's rare, and very awkward. so I barely do it. she hugs people whenever she meets or goodbyes them regularly (well, not just her. most normal people do). so for example if we hugged it was special to me because I barely hug anyone, but for her it would be one less weirdo who doesn't hug. idrk. It's bold of me to think I know what she thinks.

We also held hands. now, this definitely meant something to her. it surely did for me. but, it was 8 months ago. should I ride this wave?

Wait, let me tell the story.

Towards the very end of the course (actually, 1 day. now that I think about it? or 2. ) we were in a bus (the entire course) driving back from rehearsals for the ending ceremony. We sat next to each other. (wait, maybe it was on the way to there? not sure) and she like, put her hand, palm up, between us.

Her: give Me: my hand? or my phone? Her: your hand

and then I gave her my hand, and we held them. after a number of seconds we changed into combining our fingers and it was really nice. Oh boy, it was really nice. I wanna hold hands with her again. [part of me already wanna asks her out, part of me wanna do it only after I finish this. but the first part knows it's gonna be a long post. they both agree on asking her out tho. that's anew] Then we went for starts this night again. And it was the last night in this place (for the course, at least) And we held hands there too. When we held hands (I think in the bus already) I like drew circles with my thumb on her hand, like in a nice thingy way (there should be a single word for it). And she liked it. She said like “mm this is nice”

Later that night in the stars we held hands again. And she was taking my hand and pressing her against her belly. held me tightly. It wasn't nice of me, but all I my mind was busy is “don't get boner,don't get boner,don't get boner,don't get boner”. I failed. I glanced down, and with the uniform it was quite seeable. she probably saw it. I also felt the bottom of her bra. like, through her shirt. yeah, but that's not the important part. R (at some point I'm gonna read it back and forget who's referred to by each letter) apparently saw us holding hands in these two days, because he teased me about it like we did it the entire course (which, I wouldn't mind if was true). nor was the last sentence the important part, I just remembered it. What was important is that it was nice. for us both. and we held hands.

And while I thought that hugging probably didn't mean a thing, holding hands, and how we did it, definitely did. At least at the time. I must have. With all my lack of experience, I can't be mis-reading it. The only problem is, I'm reading this 8 months late. I don't know how blind I could be when we were there, or why I — no idea. I was stupid. Not sure what went through my head at the time regarding this.

[It's 00:46 and I think it's a good place to pause. I hope to finish this by the end of the week. I'll go to sleep now. Maybe I'll even continue it from my phone if happen so]

[P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n. gosh, I can't believe myself. I'm such a procastinator. I deadlined myself to the end of this month, saying I'd probably do it earlier. nope. it's 28th today and I didn't do it (ask her out). Tho she doesn't reply my messages, but idk. I want a straight no, as I said]

ok. so where did we stop last time. oh, right. holding hands on the last day of the course. Yeah, nothing much happened since. we parted ways for 8 months. honestly, I'm too impatient to continue writing this atm. I'll go ping her. She didn't say anything since Monday. should I worry? it's thursday now.