I am not as flexible/spontaneous as I thought, and now I suffer

I feel very depressed and lonely.

I forgot that because last time I was happy at the end, that the beginning was hard as hell for me.

and now, going back here again, I just suffer again.

I thought, well it's just gonna be a reply of bsmch for a week. bsmch was fun, so would this.

But bsmch was fun just towards the end. the beginning was hell for me. and now I'm here, not from the middle, but just at the beginning all again. and that's not what I wanted. and it's not just expectations problem – it's what I would not want at all.

I can't believe I forgot how much I suffered here for so long of a time.

And it makes me think, did I forget how much I suffered on something else, too? Are there other things I'm about to repeat in life, that I just forgot how bad they were?

Or is it just a one time mistake – not looking at the whole picture before making a decision.

In addition to that, one of the things that lifted me up going here, is that I'm going to meet and be w Y. Now, I don't know if she's trying to avoid me. or if I did something wrong. I wanna believe she isn't. and I don't wanna think about it because I barely know anything, and don't wanna overthink it.

Now, I just don't know. I'm not good at meeting new people, being around and sleeping with strangers. I want home. I want home. I want home.