Rent Of The Soul

Finally, sitting to my computer listening to music, about to sum up this week.

ugh, I don't even know how to begin. I'll start by renting on today's specifics, then I'll write how the whole week was, then, as is tradition, I'll write about this girl I wanna ask out and do nothing about for way too long.

as for why today was shitty

When I finally got on the bus to get home, there was too many things terrorizing my mode.

• First, I waited for the bus over an hour! I missed the first bus in 30 seconds! then, there were 3 ghosts busses (it shows they're coming but you never actually see them). then, bus finally came, with driver shouting “another one 5 mins behind me, I'm full, byeeee”. or something of that sort. fine. waits 5 minutes, next bus doesn't even stop to apologize! 20 mins after that the bus that actually stopped arrived.

• secondly, I didn't eat anything since morning. for couple of reasons. had to wake up early, pack my stuff, wash the room and wait for room inspection to approve. and I thought that I'll get home earlier, and so wasn't stressed about it.

• third, at the base, we waited for the bus for like 2 hours or so. for no good reason.

• fourth, after not answering for a whole day, my brother finally said that he didn't find the thing I brought him, borrowing from my friend for him. I borrowed from a friend to give my brother, and he lost it. just great, right?

• fifth, too many awkward moments near Y (should I just say she's my crush? nahh). ended up in a rush half-hug goodbye, tho she did apologize for it later in text. I'll elaborate on it later.

• sixth, my phone battery was at 20% (at 4 by the end of the ride)

• seventh, my bottle was half empty, couldn't fill it, and with the lack of colon, I feel my heartbeat rise quickly if I don't drink enough.

Allll of the above shit added up to me trying to trying to take deep breathes in the bus, after finally sitting down, but every breathe only made me think of more things that upset me. So I just thought, fuck my 20% battery, what M I gonna do with my phone anyway. And put some music (from local files, I ain't too stupid).

It helped me reach this state where I'm not too asleep to not see what's around, but I'm too asleep to dream and not choose my thoughts. so, it was okay. what I wanted when listening to music.

I got home.

my brother: can you put in place (do you have a single word for this in english?) all the shoppings?

I just wanted to yell “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”, but decided not to. not that it's so hard doing it, but I was so upset on so many things, I just needed to be alone my room.

as for how I sum up this week

okay, so, I kinda calmed down by now. Listening to music writing this, watching stand-up on youtube. some other videos. I'm here almost 2 hours now. kinda need to unpack my bag, pee, shower? other things as well. So I'll continue later.

A few hours later, he(me)'s back.

So, how do I sum up this week? well, looking at it from the other end (the end of thing), I see mostly the positive things. But, is it a good thing? I do remember complaining (to myself) and writing (here alone) that I did not do myself a favor while being there, at the two+– first days.

The question is now, what do I wanna consider more. What I felt at the beginning, or what was the overall result? Our society pushes towards the second option. You won't hear (often) people discouraging a woman to give birth, because the birth itself hurts. You usually don't hear that, or you hear many other (good) reasons.

Why? Well, this is just temporary, at start, pain. compared to some joy after it.

Maybe birth wasn't the best analog, but hopefully you (that is, future me and maybe a crawler reading it) get the point.

Why is that? imo, because we're closer to the end of the thing (timeline-wise) than to the start, and remmeber it better. But, this can make us forget or mis-look at things, and maybe repeat mistakes.

Right now, I'm looking at the past week and thinking “it was a good week”, almost ignoring the suffering I had at the begggining. Now, my mind relexingly says “it was worth it”, but I don't think we should rush. I just need to, whenever I think about this week, talk about it, remeber it, to also remember the pain that I had at the beggining. and when a decision to make comes, I'll remember both ends of the experience. Hopefully, I'll be able to do this. And for that, I'll be writing it down (here).

end philosophy, now for really how was my week

Okay, so the week started uhmm crunky. While it may have been a familiar place, it was all new people. The few people I did knew weren't around my team, so I didn't see them a lot. That aside, sleeping was at a complelety new place, much less human. Someone saw me naked! and I (unwillingly) saw other men naked. In addition the people I slept with, and the entire base was all new to me! new people, new place! I knew no one there and I am not very good at socializing, even tho I really tried! So, that was really scary. But I got used to it, and I hope the other people got used to me, being a quite type. And I mean, got used to me, and not like ignored me in a way.

[gosh, I'm distracted every 4 minutes. I'm never gonna finish this. maybe I should Sweden it instead.]

So, most of my complaints were about the dorms, if that's how I'm supposed to call it. now, it surely wasn't the main feature, but it was indeed a lot of time. and an important time. You know, how you rest after each day, shower, go to sleep. you're vulnerable. Should be in place and people you trust. I did get used to it after a while, but I'm not sure if I'll do it volunerilly again. At least not without people I know.

Now, for the good things!

Well, overall it was a new and refreshing experience! I met new people – I just counted it as a dis, but it is also a pro. It's refreshing to meet new people. and while 1-2 first days were hard, I got used to it quite much! and can really say I met new people, and not just that they were near me.

I experienced doing new things. Even tho the team I got is really almost 1:1 what I'm doing anyway at the unit, I actually had hands-on work. which I didn't have until now in the home unit.

Also, the people were nice. my temp-commander. my teammates. At the third day I kinda became a friend with another person! He's really like, facepalms on my silly jokes, which I really like. Like, he's perfect (not in a romantic way). Like big brother I can tease and stuff. and then many times I helped him and brought good ideas so I didn't feel bad for only distracting him. it was fun! Sagi. I shalln't forget his name. Maybe I'll meet him again in the future. It'll be fun. [everybody is smiling, in a beautiful day. I took a walk to pain the flowers in the trees. the sun relfected gazing funny on me]

Aside from him, I also got along with few other people. which is nice. getting along with people, knowing I can. Tho I wasn't really in many chit-chat or smal talks thingies. I should still work on that thing more.

and now, for the girl that won't leave my mind

Do you think I'm making too big of a deal out of it? I mean, she does leave my mind, like anything does. I'm not in love and we're not even dating, $self, so maybe you should come down a bit. [gonna cut my nails I can't type like that]

I think I should do a separate post just to clarify my thoughts about her. but that's for another time.

She was part of the thing as well. Which really raised my expectations towards this week. I didn't see her a lot in the first two days (seconds day not at all), but on the fourth I saw her a lot.

In the morning, she like texted me asking if I wanna go to the roof with her. and I did. She was sitting there waiting for me. and we talked for like 40 minutes. it was nice. but we both needed to go. later that day we did it again, and for almost two hours. this time other people joined (she knew them, not as much did I). was nice, interesting. Third time she suggested, but it was just as my commander had to task me after I did nothing for hours straight. So I couldn't escape. tho I really wanted.

In the fifth and last day (today) was a bit awkward. not sure if I mentioned it in the bus' section, but since she came from home, she was there hours while I waited for bus. so, another roof oppurtunity was kinda missed. anyway, day day.

I was kinda down. And she did it once before (so I feel) and now again. I'll dialogue this.

Her: You seem upset. what is it? Me: Me? I'm not upset. I'm fine. Her: You can't lie to me. I can see you're not okay. Me: It's nothing. Her: Did someone upset you? who was it? is it the bus? it's the buses right? Her: knew it! it was the buses!

Now, I really appriciate when people do it. when they ask how I'm for the second time, after I said I'm fine the first time (well, really depends on who does it and when, not all the time). But with her, it looks like she's trying to like, come to a quick solution. like, solve it quickly. I can't blame her. I didn't cooporate at all. but... there's that thing.

We ended the day with her half-hugging me saying she gotta take her coat from up stairs. and it really did like, ugh me. because I wanted to talk to her more. She later texed.

Her: btw, sorry for the weird goodbye there were people with you and I had to go up for my coat Me: It's ok

It does sound like she's “sorry there was a and b and c and even d!”. Like, using evertying. I know it was probably because I was with other people. And I can understand. I kinda act similarly when she's with other people. Tho usually I stand outside the circle and waits for her to turn her attention to me. She didn't do it so we had this weird goodbye instead.

But, how was it overall with her?

I got a glance to what we used to do during the course. hour+ just the two of us, talking, staring, teasing. I miss that. I miss that a lot. It was just so nice. and now it made me remember how I loved that. and that I want it again. be it another place, but the people (her) is what matters. So, it stenghed (not gonna respell that. fuck english) my thought on asking her out. I deadlined myself to the end of this month. and I'm gonna stand my deadline.

overall experience

was good. Y really like tripled all the cons that there was. So, something to consider. a close friend in a foreign land. maybe in a future, will be more than close friends.

and now, tho I'm in good writing mood, I'll close this blog post. It's late. I should sleep, I believe.

next post I'll arrange my thoughts on her alone. gngngngn.