Rent Of The Soul

I'm not really consistent with my posts here. Sometimes I write, most of the time I just edit the same draft and like now, end up not publishing it. [even now, I thought I'd post this the same day, but it's two days later now I'll finish it]

This time I had a long post arranging my thoughts about a girl, Y, which I thought I should ask her out. I also put myself a deadline so I don't prospond and then not do it at all.

Anyway, didn't post it yet. I'll post it unfinished just because I already wrote, most of it.

What happened:

I asked her out. She said (24 hours later) no. well she said she's busy and her life is too complicated to involve in a relationship. And, the necessary stuff of you're an important friend, I appreciate the honesty, blah blah. Yo, I received her message like 1 second before my exam. I, like, saw a message coming, was about to turn off data to block next one, but I just saw it. long text, hearts, knew it was a no.

welp, now my success rate on asking women out is 50%.

First time: ahahah ha yes yessss yessss I thought you'd never askkk ahhhhh I'm so grateful this is the bets day of my lifeee I wanted to ask you tooo

goes on to a 3.5 years long relationship.

second time: well, I just wrote it. I am seeing a long string of failures before anything new. but that's okay.

how it was done

all along I had these voices in my head encouraging me. “Do it!” and “you've got nothing to lose” and like at some point it was like a friend taking your phone and typing the message for you. and like “Press send, send it send it already!” and while I'm distracted by the noise I already sent the message!

and also deciding on the phrasing. I couldn't decide on anything, so I just thought, I'll send something that is the most straight forward, and can't be interpreted in two ways. So it was “Do you wanna go on a date?”

Avoiding anything that's like, “I don't like this activity” or “this date isn't good”, that you can't be sure if it's a polite no or really is a bad activity. Just the date itself, would you want it, or not? regardless of the date (ddyymmmm) or activity.

Well, didn't work. Other voices come to me pointing out many stupid things about this move, but I've learned to shut them up real quick. I'm really good at it now. And I'm proud of myself. no voices of pointless regret.

After I got the no, my voices rushed into action, trying to comfort me. “Nothing changed” “you had nothing to lose” “you barely see her f2f anyway” etc.

I may make too big of a deal out of this, but I know why I do. It's the first time in a long time I ask someone out. second time my entire life, and the first time I was like 85% sure I'd get a yes. She quite visibly pushed me to ask her out already-~ it was different. Maybe I'll write about it some time. Anyway, now I don't bother myself with this anymore. Life continues as they were.

Now I can finally post this post. ok post bye metallica rocks