Rent Of The Soul

Today I finally meet someone, in a group gathering.

It was only after our ways separated that I dared to think we had something romantic going on, and weren't just very close friends.

I wasn't a lot in society before, so I just didn't know. maybe people hh when just close friends?

Now I know I was wrong.

Also the title is misleading, I doubt I'll have the courage. But, like someone yesterday told me, “Many machines are in one's head, just let go of it all”. so I'll just let go. I'll finish writing this post, and then not think about it until it meets me in the face.

I really wish it'll go good. and that she doesn't surprises me with someone she's dating. that.. idk. she probably would have told me? idk idk idk.

anyway. for now, I'll just read my book, learn more cloud, visit my brother, and then I'll meet her. and lots of other people I didn't see in some time (8 months). but mostly her.

Really, I am not a good friend with anyone there but her. so. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

okay [how do I call myself here? oh right, ague] agur, just let go of it. you'll just ask her, and that would be all. bye now. go read something. There's still more than 12 hours. breathe.

One of the voices in my head that get me anxious from 0 to 100 the fastest, is this one. It gets into me so fast like idk, and occupies my entire bandwidth of thinking. If the event is recent it's even worse – regardless of if I can do something about it or not.

Today the wind wanted my kippa, and threw it off my head. I put some effort into chasing it, but I didn't yell, wave my hands, and gets everyone's attention. I also didn't want to miss the train. So after I didn't see it, I gave up.

Not long after, thoughts that I didn't invite started running in my head. I should have asked this women, I should have yelled, run, not give up so fast. now, these thoughts are stupid and useless. the thing is done and can't be undone or changed in any way.

But the feeling was like they're squeezing my internal organs, making me unable to think about ANYTHING else!

Right away I started consciously thinking “that's stupid”, “there's nothing I can do now”, “it's not such a big deal”. but it took some time after it passed away.

My entire body went stress mode, heart, thoughts, eyes. it wasn't very nice.

Ok. stop that thing now. I just post.

Yesterday I wake up, and the first breath I take is the stink of the leak from my stoma. It's not the first time at all, but it was annoying. Took my morning – albeit just an hour. I'm just an expert now at failures like that, so I was doing it half asleep.

Took my free hour between 7am when I wake, and 8am when my day starts. forced me to jump out my bed and start working before I even fully wake. and I didn't eat breakfast – kinda sucks.

The thing I noticed only at that evening, is that once my day started, I completey forgot about the shitty morning – and luckily it didn't project to the rest of the day.

There was lots of social interactions, more than I'm used to daily: being at my laptop with earphones, talking to people only at lunch/dinner. So it really weared that thing off of me. So if there was a good day to get a leak – it was this day.

It's not the first time, really. I like social interactions.

They do tire me A LOT. and after that I'm like, just gimme my phone, music, and see no one. but I like it. and I like how I'm getting better at it.

People are like, “you talking way too much, what happened to you??” and like “the past minute you said more words than I have ever heard from you” and similar things. in a good way. that I'm being more open, less shy, stuff like that.

so yesterday and today was two days at that thingy, so that's why so much social interactions. rest of the week it's me and my laptop, and Azure cloud. less talking, less talkative people if I do choose to talk, but that's fine. I'll survive. and progress in my training.

Also, I really like this girl. So I guess that's part of it. even there's nothing between us, she just makes everything better.

I'm atm writing two posts. About me, and about this blog.

And I never publish them because I feel they're not good enough, and are too long.

and it prevents me from just writing my thoughts, like the purpose of this blog- because I feel they're necessary for a blog, and must come first.

So I decided: I'll write my thoughts as I want – not holding them. and the introductions will be ready whenever they're.

now, good night!