Rent Of The Soul

I trust my past self with my whole heart and mind, and I am sure he did what was the right and best thing for him to do at the moment. It may not be the best for me now, but he couldn't know. So I don't blame him, and thus I don't regret anything I did. There's no point in regretting, it leads to nowhere. I surely can learn from, and do differently from what I did in the past, But I do not regret.

Past self has his own troubles and issues, and moods and energy, that present me just doesn't understand. I may not fully understand why past self did something, and I just need to live with that.

Many times I look at other instances of myself as another person. It eases things off by a lot. It helps me accept that I don't have control over some things. Like it's onto someone else that I can't control. It is many times the case.

That's it. I don't have much more to say about this. I just hope I really stick to this rule thingy, because it's not always as easy. But it helps a lot when I do.

I'm not really consistent with my posts here. Sometimes I write, most of the time I just edit the same draft and like now, end up not publishing it. [even now, I thought I'd post this the same day, but it's two days later now I'll finish it]

This time I had a long post arranging my thoughts about a girl, Y, which I thought I should ask her out. I also put myself a deadline so I don't prospond and then not do it at all.

Anyway, didn't post it yet. I'll post it unfinished just because I already wrote, most of it.

What happened:

I asked her out. She said (24 hours later) no. well she said she's busy and her life is too complicated to involve in a relationship. And, the necessary stuff of you're an important friend, I appreciate the honesty, blah blah. Yo, I received her message like 1 second before my exam. I, like, saw a message coming, was about to turn off data to block next one, but I just saw it. long text, hearts, knew it was a no.

welp, now my success rate on asking women out is 50%.

First time: ahahah ha yes yessss yessss I thought you'd never askkk ahhhhh I'm so grateful this is the bets day of my lifeee I wanted to ask you tooo

goes on to a 3.5 years long relationship.

second time: well, I just wrote it. I am seeing a long string of failures before anything new. but that's okay.

how it was done

all along I had these voices in my head encouraging me. “Do it!” and “you've got nothing to lose” and like at some point it was like a friend taking your phone and typing the message for you. and like “Press send, send it send it already!” and while I'm distracted by the noise I already sent the message!

and also deciding on the phrasing. I couldn't decide on anything, so I just thought, I'll send something that is the most straight forward, and can't be interpreted in two ways. So it was “Do you wanna go on a date?”

Avoiding anything that's like, “I don't like this activity” or “this date isn't good”, that you can't be sure if it's a polite no or really is a bad activity. Just the date itself, would you want it, or not? regardless of the date (ddyymmmm) or activity.

Well, didn't work. Other voices come to me pointing out many stupid things about this move, but I've learned to shut them up real quick. I'm really good at it now. And I'm proud of myself. no voices of pointless regret.

After I got the no, my voices rushed into action, trying to comfort me. “Nothing changed” “you had nothing to lose” “you barely see her f2f anyway” etc.

I may make too big of a deal out of this, but I know why I do. It's the first time in a long time I ask someone out. second time my entire life, and the first time I was like 85% sure I'd get a yes. She quite visibly pushed me to ask her out already-~ it was different. Maybe I'll write about it some time. Anyway, now I don't bother myself with this anymore. Life continues as they were.

Now I can finally post this post. ok post bye metallica rocks

To do this, I think I'll start by writing how we first met, and how things rolled from there on.

How it all begin

Okay, when I title it like this it's like I'm telling the story of how I met my 40 years long wife. It's just a crush $self, calm down! But still, I'm writing it to myself, to do some order in the chaos. it's not even chaos, just my overhtinking- okay stop! just let me write.

a week and a day ago the course started. and is the day we officially met? It was new people, new place, new everything. So I was in a bit of a shock, considering that in the 1.5 years before that I was mostly at home, and only social life I had was with my family. So, I didn't socialize that much. Took me time. Maybe now I'm a bit better at it, but still.

We actually started talking more when YS (he's also Y, but that'd be confusing) dropped from the course. He sat between us. me, to my right YS, and to his right Y. We did exchange some words before that, but not as much. I was friends with YS, and it sucked when he left. He reminded me a lot of my big brother R, which I love a lot. So it brought a sense of familarity to this foreign everything.

Around 2 months into the course (and 1 day. Just did invastigation via whatsapp messages.) he was dropped. He saw it a long time coming, and all the while I tried (and he asked) helping him with the material. but, it didn't help.

Probably the same week, like a few days later, she slid me note during a class. It was nice. I don't remember what it was about, but from that day on to the last day of the course we didn't stop sliding notes to each other during classes, lectures, and other dead-boring shit.

From that point on we hang together a lott more. in breaks, in dining room (when I was successful to convince her to come), in classes working together. Like, since being friends with her, I listened to 60% less music in self-work classes because we worked together. or just talked. tho we did send music a lot to each other.

In addition, we went for 'stars'. She said there's somewhere behind the dorms a place where you can see the stars real good because it's dark. It wasn't dark once since that day to the end of the course. it was always lighted. she said when she was there it was. (now I wanna believe she made it up just to make me come, tho there's not really a reason for this)

This turn have really uplifted my spirit during the course. I no longer felt lonely (which I did very much until this point). I had a friend, and a really good one! and not like “mm I am part of this group, I hope, if they notice me” but really a friend. I hadn't had something like that in a long time, regardless of the course. A friend that sees just me. not a part of a group where you might be invisible. My mom has told me about how when returning from the course I was so happy and energetic (as compared to now). and I believe a big part of it is thanks to Y. Really.

Many (?) people thought we were dating. In the unit, S really was sure we were dating. and by someone else she was referenced as “the girl you were with all the time”. which is accurate. at some point we were together allll the time. and I am not complaining -at-all.

So, where was I. Right, stars. After not long, we went there every single day. We stayed the extra hour to study, then walked together to dorms, and then sat in the stars until it was 23 and we were forced to return and go to sleep.

Mostly, she'd talk. She isn't the kind of person that speaks and mutes everyone else around. She speaks, but if I had something to say I'd be able to say it. I'm just not a very talkative type of person. She's more talkative, but not in the controlling way, if you know what I mean. Which is nice. there's no expectation of me (how I feel it) to fill the silence. but I also have my space if I do wanna say something.

After some time in stars, it wasn't just talking.

There was also silencing. And not an awkward kind of silence, like I sometimes have with M if it's just the two of us. The kind of silence that makes me just be in the moment. And want it to be never over. Not silence because we were in our phones. I'd even nudge her to put her phone away, even if we weren't talking. Kind of silence where I just felt, [three days grace, hold a moment. I'm being positive atm] I don't find the right words. I felt good, I felt warm and not because of the weather. I felt safe. I felt calm. Really calm. There were plenty of things bothering me at these days but I just felt calm. and relaxed. I really was in the moment itself. Worrying about nothing, Thinking about nothing deeper than “she looks cute” or “let's poke her nose” or “our hands are touching”. [ahahaha I just had crushcrushcrush played and there's a line goes “Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone” ahsahssjdhfdfh ok back to it] It was just nice, calm, relaxed, silence.

There was also playing. ye, just meaningless, teasy-flirty playing. This one's an interesting. It started (I think? at least moment I remember well) with me taking a thorn from the wooden table, and gently touching her hand with it. stroking, or stinging, hurting, or teasing. While she was talking, or while we were silencing. And then she did to me. it was nice. It, like, now we had something to do with our hands. Is it weird? like, idk. it made everything more peaceful. idk. idk. can't elaborate on it. I just have references to very basic/pure feelings, which I can't express with words now. We started touching too. It'll sound like I make big deal of it. It was something for me, because I was (officially but no practically?) keeping touch. and while I didn't always hard myself on it, it did make any kind of touch more rare for me. so, it was something. It's hard for me to know how these things mattered to her. Even with boys when I somehow get to hug someone a hello/goodbye, it's rare, and very awkward. so I barely do it. she hugs people whenever she meets or goodbyes them regularly (well, not just her. most normal people do). so for example if we hugged it was special to me because I barely hug anyone, but for her it would be one less weirdo who doesn't hug. idrk. It's bold of me to think I know what she thinks.

We also held hands. now, this definitely meant something to her. it surely did for me. but, it was 8 months ago. should I ride this wave?

Wait, let me tell the story.

Towards the very end of the course (actually, 1 day. now that I think about it? or 2. ) we were in a bus (the entire course) driving back from rehearsals for the ending ceremony. We sat next to each other. (wait, maybe it was on the way to there? not sure) and she like, put her hand, palm up, between us.

Her: give Me: my hand? or my phone? Her: your hand

and then I gave her my hand, and we held them. after a number of seconds we changed into combining our fingers and it was really nice. Oh boy, it was really nice. I wanna hold hands with her again. [part of me already wanna asks her out, part of me wanna do it only after I finish this. but the first part knows it's gonna be a long post. they both agree on asking her out tho. that's anew] Then we went for starts this night again. And it was the last night in this place (for the course, at least) And we held hands there too. When we held hands (I think in the bus already) I like drew circles with my thumb on her hand, like in a nice thingy way (there should be a single word for it). And she liked it. She said like “mm this is nice”

Later that night in the stars we held hands again. And she was taking my hand and pressing her against her belly. held me tightly. It wasn't nice of me, but all I my mind was busy is “don't get boner,don't get boner,don't get boner,don't get boner”. I failed. I glanced down, and with the uniform it was quite seeable. she probably saw it. I also felt the bottom of her bra. like, through her shirt. yeah, but that's not the important part. R (at some point I'm gonna read it back and forget who's referred to by each letter) apparently saw us holding hands in these two days, because he teased me about it like we did it the entire course (which, I wouldn't mind if was true). nor was the last sentence the important part, I just remembered it. What was important is that it was nice. for us both. and we held hands.

And while I thought that hugging probably didn't mean a thing, holding hands, and how we did it, definitely did. At least at the time. I must have. With all my lack of experience, I can't be mis-reading it. The only problem is, I'm reading this 8 months late. I don't know how blind I could be when we were there, or why I — no idea. I was stupid. Not sure what went through my head at the time regarding this.

[It's 00:46 and I think it's a good place to pause. I hope to finish this by the end of the week. I'll go to sleep now. Maybe I'll even continue it from my phone if happen so]

[P r o c r a s t i n a t i o n. gosh, I can't believe myself. I'm such a procastinator. I deadlined myself to the end of this month, saying I'd probably do it earlier. nope. it's 28th today and I didn't do it (ask her out). Tho she doesn't reply my messages, but idk. I want a straight no, as I said]

ok. so where did we stop last time. oh, right. holding hands on the last day of the course. Yeah, nothing much happened since. we parted ways for 8 months. honestly, I'm too impatient to continue writing this atm. I'll go ping her. She didn't say anything since Monday. should I worry? it's thursday now.

Finally, sitting to my computer listening to music, about to sum up this week.

ugh, I don't even know how to begin. I'll start by renting on today's specifics, then I'll write how the whole week was, then, as is tradition, I'll write about this girl I wanna ask out and do nothing about for way too long.

as for why today was shitty

When I finally got on the bus to get home, there was too many things terrorizing my mode.

• First, I waited for the bus over an hour! I missed the first bus in 30 seconds! then, there were 3 ghosts busses (it shows they're coming but you never actually see them). then, bus finally came, with driver shouting “another one 5 mins behind me, I'm full, byeeee”. or something of that sort. fine. waits 5 minutes, next bus doesn't even stop to apologize! 20 mins after that the bus that actually stopped arrived.

• secondly, I didn't eat anything since morning. for couple of reasons. had to wake up early, pack my stuff, wash the room and wait for room inspection to approve. and I thought that I'll get home earlier, and so wasn't stressed about it.

• third, at the base, we waited for the bus for like 2 hours or so. for no good reason.

• fourth, after not answering for a whole day, my brother finally said that he didn't find the thing I brought him, borrowing from my friend for him. I borrowed from a friend to give my brother, and he lost it. just great, right?

• fifth, too many awkward moments near Y (should I just say she's my crush? nahh). ended up in a rush half-hug goodbye, tho she did apologize for it later in text. I'll elaborate on it later.

• sixth, my phone battery was at 20% (at 4 by the end of the ride)

• seventh, my bottle was half empty, couldn't fill it, and with the lack of colon, I feel my heartbeat rise quickly if I don't drink enough.

Allll of the above shit added up to me trying to trying to take deep breathes in the bus, after finally sitting down, but every breathe only made me think of more things that upset me. So I just thought, fuck my 20% battery, what M I gonna do with my phone anyway. And put some music (from local files, I ain't too stupid).

It helped me reach this state where I'm not too asleep to not see what's around, but I'm too asleep to dream and not choose my thoughts. so, it was okay. what I wanted when listening to music.

I got home.

my brother: can you put in place (do you have a single word for this in english?) all the shoppings?

I just wanted to yell “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”, but decided not to. not that it's so hard doing it, but I was so upset on so many things, I just needed to be alone my room.

as for how I sum up this week

okay, so, I kinda calmed down by now. Listening to music writing this, watching stand-up on youtube. some other videos. I'm here almost 2 hours now. kinda need to unpack my bag, pee, shower? other things as well. So I'll continue later.

A few hours later, he(me)'s back.

So, how do I sum up this week? well, looking at it from the other end (the end of thing), I see mostly the positive things. But, is it a good thing? I do remember complaining (to myself) and writing (here alone) that I did not do myself a favor while being there, at the two+– first days.

The question is now, what do I wanna consider more. What I felt at the beginning, or what was the overall result? Our society pushes towards the second option. You won't hear (often) people discouraging a woman to give birth, because the birth itself hurts. You usually don't hear that, or you hear many other (good) reasons.

Why? Well, this is just temporary, at start, pain. compared to some joy after it.

Maybe birth wasn't the best analog, but hopefully you (that is, future me and maybe a crawler reading it) get the point.

Why is that? imo, because we're closer to the end of the thing (timeline-wise) than to the start, and remmeber it better. But, this can make us forget or mis-look at things, and maybe repeat mistakes.

Right now, I'm looking at the past week and thinking “it was a good week”, almost ignoring the suffering I had at the begggining. Now, my mind relexingly says “it was worth it”, but I don't think we should rush. I just need to, whenever I think about this week, talk about it, remeber it, to also remember the pain that I had at the beggining. and when a decision to make comes, I'll remember both ends of the experience. Hopefully, I'll be able to do this. And for that, I'll be writing it down (here).

end philosophy, now for really how was my week

Okay, so the week started uhmm crunky. While it may have been a familiar place, it was all new people. The few people I did knew weren't around my team, so I didn't see them a lot. That aside, sleeping was at a complelety new place, much less human. Someone saw me naked! and I (unwillingly) saw other men naked. In addition the people I slept with, and the entire base was all new to me! new people, new place! I knew no one there and I am not very good at socializing, even tho I really tried! So, that was really scary. But I got used to it, and I hope the other people got used to me, being a quite type. And I mean, got used to me, and not like ignored me in a way.

[gosh, I'm distracted every 4 minutes. I'm never gonna finish this. maybe I should Sweden it instead.]

So, most of my complaints were about the dorms, if that's how I'm supposed to call it. now, it surely wasn't the main feature, but it was indeed a lot of time. and an important time. You know, how you rest after each day, shower, go to sleep. you're vulnerable. Should be in place and people you trust. I did get used to it after a while, but I'm not sure if I'll do it volunerilly again. At least not without people I know.

Now, for the good things!

Well, overall it was a new and refreshing experience! I met new people – I just counted it as a dis, but it is also a pro. It's refreshing to meet new people. and while 1-2 first days were hard, I got used to it quite much! and can really say I met new people, and not just that they were near me.

I experienced doing new things. Even tho the team I got is really almost 1:1 what I'm doing anyway at the unit, I actually had hands-on work. which I didn't have until now in the home unit.

Also, the people were nice. my temp-commander. my teammates. At the third day I kinda became a friend with another person! He's really like, facepalms on my silly jokes, which I really like. Like, he's perfect (not in a romantic way). Like big brother I can tease and stuff. and then many times I helped him and brought good ideas so I didn't feel bad for only distracting him. it was fun! Sagi. I shalln't forget his name. Maybe I'll meet him again in the future. It'll be fun. [everybody is smiling, in a beautiful day. I took a walk to pain the flowers in the trees. the sun relfected gazing funny on me]

Aside from him, I also got along with few other people. which is nice. getting along with people, knowing I can. Tho I wasn't really in many chit-chat or smal talks thingies. I should still work on that thing more.

and now, for the girl that won't leave my mind

Do you think I'm making too big of a deal out of it? I mean, she does leave my mind, like anything does. I'm not in love and we're not even dating, $self, so maybe you should come down a bit. [gonna cut my nails I can't type like that]

I think I should do a separate post just to clarify my thoughts about her. but that's for another time.

She was part of the thing as well. Which really raised my expectations towards this week. I didn't see her a lot in the first two days (seconds day not at all), but on the fourth I saw her a lot.

In the morning, she like texted me asking if I wanna go to the roof with her. and I did. She was sitting there waiting for me. and we talked for like 40 minutes. it was nice. but we both needed to go. later that day we did it again, and for almost two hours. this time other people joined (she knew them, not as much did I). was nice, interesting. Third time she suggested, but it was just as my commander had to task me after I did nothing for hours straight. So I couldn't escape. tho I really wanted.

In the fifth and last day (today) was a bit awkward. not sure if I mentioned it in the bus' section, but since she came from home, she was there hours while I waited for bus. so, another roof oppurtunity was kinda missed. anyway, day day.

I was kinda down. And she did it once before (so I feel) and now again. I'll dialogue this.

Her: You seem upset. what is it? Me: Me? I'm not upset. I'm fine. Her: You can't lie to me. I can see you're not okay. Me: It's nothing. Her: Did someone upset you? who was it? is it the bus? it's the buses right? Her: knew it! it was the buses!

Now, I really appriciate when people do it. when they ask how I'm for the second time, after I said I'm fine the first time (well, really depends on who does it and when, not all the time). But with her, it looks like she's trying to like, come to a quick solution. like, solve it quickly. I can't blame her. I didn't cooporate at all. but... there's that thing.

We ended the day with her half-hugging me saying she gotta take her coat from up stairs. and it really did like, ugh me. because I wanted to talk to her more. She later texed.

Her: btw, sorry for the weird goodbye there were people with you and I had to go up for my coat Me: It's ok

It does sound like she's “sorry there was a and b and c and even d!”. Like, using evertying. I know it was probably because I was with other people. And I can understand. I kinda act similarly when she's with other people. Tho usually I stand outside the circle and waits for her to turn her attention to me. She didn't do it so we had this weird goodbye instead.

But, how was it overall with her?

I got a glance to what we used to do during the course. hour+ just the two of us, talking, staring, teasing. I miss that. I miss that a lot. It was just so nice. and now it made me remember how I loved that. and that I want it again. be it another place, but the people (her) is what matters. So, it stenghed (not gonna respell that. fuck english) my thought on asking her out. I deadlined myself to the end of this month. and I'm gonna stand my deadline.

overall experience

was good. Y really like tripled all the cons that there was. So, something to consider. a close friend in a foreign land. maybe in a future, will be more than close friends.

and now, tho I'm in good writing mood, I'll close this blog post. It's late. I should sleep, I believe.

next post I'll arrange my thoughts on her alone. gngngngn.

Was looking at my drafts, found this

I have so many questions running in my mind, that normally would paralyze > me overthinking them all, but now I know that I can > answer them all in Sunday, and all I have to do in the > meantime is not think about it, and make sure time flies by.

Didn't fully complete it, so I guess is why it was still a draft. But the day is over by now.

and I'm all disappointments. I don't know why I'm hard on myself. but that's what it is. I guess. f

I feel very depressed and lonely.

I forgot that because last time I was happy at the end, that the beginning was hard as hell for me.

and now, going back here again, I just suffer again.

I thought, well it's just gonna be a reply of bsmch for a week. bsmch was fun, so would this.

But bsmch was fun just towards the end. the beginning was hell for me. and now I'm here, not from the middle, but just at the beginning all again. and that's not what I wanted. and it's not just expectations problem – it's what I would not want at all.

I can't believe I forgot how much I suffered here for so long of a time.

And it makes me think, did I forget how much I suffered on something else, too? Are there other things I'm about to repeat in life, that I just forgot how bad they were?

Or is it just a one time mistake – not looking at the whole picture before making a decision.

In addition to that, one of the things that lifted me up going here, is that I'm going to meet and be w Y. Now, I don't know if she's trying to avoid me. or if I did something wrong. I wanna believe she isn't. and I don't wanna think about it because I barely know anything, and don't wanna overthink it.

Now, I just don't know. I'm not good at meeting new people, being around and sleeping with strangers. I want home. I want home. I want home.

Today I finally meet someone, in a group gathering.

It was only after our ways separated that I dared to think we had something romantic going on, and weren't just very close friends.

I wasn't a lot in society before, so I just didn't know. maybe people hh when just close friends?

Now I know I was wrong.

Also the title is misleading, I doubt I'll have the courage. But, like someone yesterday told me, “Many machines are in one's head, just let go of it all”. so I'll just let go. I'll finish writing this post, and then not think about it until it meets me in the face.

I really wish it'll go good. and that she doesn't surprises me with someone she's dating. that.. idk. she probably would have told me? idk idk idk.

anyway. for now, I'll just read my book, learn more cloud, visit my brother, and then I'll meet her. and lots of other people I didn't see in some time (8 months). but mostly her.

Really, I am not a good friend with anyone there but her. so. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

okay [how do I call myself here? oh right, ague] agur, just let go of it. you'll just ask her, and that would be all. bye now. go read something. There's still more than 12 hours. breathe.

One of the voices in my head that get me anxious from 0 to 100 the fastest, is this one. It gets into me so fast like idk, and occupies my entire bandwidth of thinking. If the event is recent it's even worse – regardless of if I can do something about it or not.

Today the wind wanted my kippa, and threw it off my head. I put some effort into chasing it, but I didn't yell, wave my hands, and gets everyone's attention. I also didn't want to miss the train. So after I didn't see it, I gave up.

Not long after, thoughts that I didn't invite started running in my head. I should have asked this women, I should have yelled, run, not give up so fast. now, these thoughts are stupid and useless. the thing is done and can't be undone or changed in any way.

But the feeling was like they're squeezing my internal organs, making me unable to think about ANYTHING else!

Right away I started consciously thinking “that's stupid”, “there's nothing I can do now”, “it's not such a big deal”. but it took some time after it passed away.

My entire body went stress mode, heart, thoughts, eyes. it wasn't very nice.

Ok. stop that thing now. I just post.

Yesterday I wake up, and the first breath I take is the stink of the leak from my stoma. It's not the first time at all, but it was annoying. Took my morning – albeit just an hour. I'm just an expert now at failures like that, so I was doing it half asleep.

Took my free hour between 7am when I wake, and 8am when my day starts. forced me to jump out my bed and start working before I even fully wake. and I didn't eat breakfast – kinda sucks.

The thing I noticed only at that evening, is that once my day started, I completey forgot about the shitty morning – and luckily it didn't project to the rest of the day.

There was lots of social interactions, more than I'm used to daily: being at my laptop with earphones, talking to people only at lunch/dinner. So it really weared that thing off of me. So if there was a good day to get a leak – it was this day.

It's not the first time, really. I like social interactions.

They do tire me A LOT. and after that I'm like, just gimme my phone, music, and see no one. but I like it. and I like how I'm getting better at it.

People are like, “you talking way too much, what happened to you??” and like “the past minute you said more words than I have ever heard from you” and similar things. in a good way. that I'm being more open, less shy, stuff like that.

so yesterday and today was two days at that thingy, so that's why so much social interactions. rest of the week it's me and my laptop, and Azure cloud. less talking, less talkative people if I do choose to talk, but that's fine. I'll survive. and progress in my training.

Also, I really like this girl. So I guess that's part of it. even there's nothing between us, she just makes everything better.

I'm atm writing two posts. About me, and about this blog.

And I never publish them because I feel they're not good enough, and are too long.

and it prevents me from just writing my thoughts, like the purpose of this blog- because I feel they're necessary for a blog, and must come first.

So I decided: I'll write my thoughts as I want – not holding them. and the introductions will be ready whenever they're.

now, good night!